I’m a pig and it’s not my fault.

From the NIMH page on schizophrenia:

People with negative symptoms need help with everyday tasks. They often neglect basic personal hygiene. This may make them seem lazy or unwilling to help themselves, but the problems are symptoms caused by the schizophrenia.

I am messy.  Very messy.  A slob.  But I can’t help it.  Back before my breakdown 14 years ago I kept a pretty neat house.  Since then I’ve been at varying levels of disaster when it comes to cleaning up around me.  I manage to do some cleaning sometimes, but I just cannot keep things straight on a regular basis.  I try.  I come up with plans to help.  I tried Flylady and Unfuck Your Habitat.  But I can never do it.  One time my MIL called me a slob and I broke down sobbing, because I try but I can’t do it.  It’s taken me years just to be able to shower regularly.  I can’t take my medication without help, most days.  So my part of the house gets so bad that I start freaking out when I walk into rooms and I eventually clean everything up, but the Valkyrie and I live in two rooms and we don’t have places for everything and she can’t help much because she’s physically disabled and I am incapable of doing it on my own.  My MIL has a cleaning lady who comes in once every two weeks to do her part of the house, and she does our bathroom.  Otherwise that would never get clean either.  My BFF has helped me a few times and it’s nice to have help.  MIL keeps offering but the Valkyrie doesn’t want her upstairs.  I like our privacy too, but I’d love to have her help me once in a while but she’ll see for real what a pig I am and I’m ashamed.

I don’t know what to do.  I need help.  I seem to be incapable of helping myself.  I spent the last hour crying because I’m so angry at myself, and because I feel helpless…